City Chicken

So....my grandmother is crazy. My mom's mom...not my dad's mom...well, my dad's mom has Alzheimer's but that's another blog. She has lost her mind.  For one, she is strangely OBSESSED with my cousin, Matt. A few years back, she sent out Christmas cars signed with her name, my cousin's name, and his daughters name. Then for her own reasons decided to not speak to my aunt anymore. The lady has more money than what she knows what to do with but hardly eats, and doesn't fill her prescriptions because it "costs too much". But she can go through a carton of cigarettes in a week. The best was at my daughter's birthday party last year when she went outside, and sat on Matt's lap and started rubbing his beard, looked at Matt's wife and said, "I hope you don't mind me making love to your husband." Matt's brother looked at our grandma and says, "Nanny, you're friggin' sick!"  Although I believe she meant love ON him, not make love TO him, it was still really weird.  She believes that she can say anything she wants (even if it is hurtful) because she is old....whatever. Well, she decided to buy my daughter and Matt's daughter baby chicks for Easter....another thing she thinks she can do KNOWING that Matt's wife and I would not be happy with this.
My mom came over one morning and picked Peyton up so they could plant the garden at her house. That evening, I went to pick her up and as soon as I walked into the door my mom says, "I didn't do it."  I then noticed a cardboard box with wood shavings in it, a dish of food and a chicken waterier that we had used when we raised chickens in 4-H. Also in that box was a little chick. I turned to my mom with what I'm guessing was a "I'm going to kill someone" face and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me....who got her this."  My mom replies with the one name that I should of guessed from the beginning, "Nanny". Peyton runs in and with those big, beautiful, sparkling blues tells me, "MOMMY! LOOK AT MY CHICK!" My dad, the logical one, comes in and says, "Now baby, you can't get mad at Nanny....she's old and they just don't think." Well, no shit....
My first thought was that it's going to die because my 4 year old is handling it like a stuffed animal...what am I going to say to her if she wakes up to go see her chick and rigor has set in? Then, the fact that we live in the city where the neighbors' cats roam around like they own the place and we have an occasional raccoon sighting. So even better than her waking up to a cold, stiff chicken, she'll wake up to a bloody massacre in the back yard. Ugh! Does the Humane Society accept poultry?  One thing that came to mind is the YouTube video where the kid is playing with his hamster outside and puts it on his head, and an predatory bird of some sort flies over and grabs the thing right off his head. Then there's our dog....she doesn't like any other animal of any sort...maybe we should name it "Scooby Snack". The best reaction was when we brought it home and my husband saw it.  I won't talk about his reaction because it should be censored. One thought may be, "You raised chickens when you were a kid...why don't you keep it at your parents' house?"  Well, the old chicken house was "converted" into a storage room so that wouldn't work. So here we are with a chicken in a cardboard box.
The first night, the thing was so friggin' loud...first I thought to put the cardboard box on the back porch, but that would pretty much be putting that chick on a silver platter for a cat, raccoon or snake. I took the box and set it on top of the washer in the garage...chicks need a warm place anyway. The next day, Peyton was playing with it in the back yard and as much as I want to hate this chicken, it was so cute how it just follows her around. She would go put him/her behind a tree, run off and that chick would come out looking for her and when he/she would see Peyton, it would haul buns over to her. But this chicken has also made me realize that we have a chicken trainer on our hands. She got a stick, put the chick on it and made the chicken balance on it as she walked around the yard. She has also taught this chicken to perch on her shoulder...Oh Lord.....it's gonna be harder than I thought to get rid of this poultry. So if anyone would like a free chicken let me know....but for future reference, we will decline any invitations for dinner that consist of but not limited to, fried chicken, chicken parmesan, chicken fajitas, chicken cordon bleu, or any other poultry dish.