Can't Win for Losing, Dude

As some of you may know, I work part time at a little boutique in my home town. A good friend of mine and her family own it and I couldn't be more blessed to work for them. We are very fortunate that the majority of our customers are fabulous, sweet, and kind. Today I had a young, well dressed gentleman come into the store looking for a dress for his wife. He was like most men....clueless.

He said that he was taking his wife out tomorrow night and she had mentioned to him that she wanted to wear a new dress. So when he got off of work, he decided to stop by the store to try and find something for her. I asked him what size she wore and he told me that she wears a medium...(*cough* skinny bitch *cough*) I showed him some of our most popular dresses and told him what she could wear them with when it came to shoes and accessories. He was very confused. After about 30 minutes of walking around the store and pulling dresses, he decided on a darling dress...perfect for what they were going to do the next evening. He asked me if I could help him pick out "something that goes with it". So this was seeming like it was going to work out great. Once we were finished he was grinning...probably just imagining that fancy dress hitting the floor when he brings his tipsy wife home from their night out. I mean, the least she can do after all this is give the guy a little......credit. I assured him that if it didn't fit right, or if it wasn't to her liking that she could exchange it for something else. I also told him how sweet he is to do this for her...you know what he told me? "She deserves more than I could ever give her." Awwww...they must be newly weds.

No more than 30 minutes after he left the store, the phone rings. It's him. He tells me that it was a little too small for her and that SHE wanted HIM to bring it up to the store and exchange it for something else. What? Okay.....let stop here for a moment. If my husband took the time to come into a WOMEN'S BOUTIQUE BY HIMSELF, that alone would of earned him a..........reward. She sends him back to the store to look for something else? And not only that....she sends him back with their 3 year old snot nosed son. Now, being the proper southern lady that I am, I would of thanked my sweet husband for thinking of me and tell him that the dress wasn't really my taste, or if it didn't fit that I would go and exchange it in the morning. (My husband and I have an agreement, if we spent good money on something for each other and we don't like it, we will be honest with each other and get something that we like.) When he arrived with the sneezy runny nosed child to shop AGAIN, I realized that this man has to be a saint. So he sees another dress and text her a picture of it. She calls him and I can hear her over the phone.... "Uh, yeah...no. What are you thinking? That is horrible!" She then tells him that she is going to wear a dress she already has, and.......wait for it......tells him to pick out jewelry to wear with it. Are you kidding me? The dude bought you a dress, drove back to the store to return it within 45 minutes of purchasing it, and now you are telling him to pick out jewelry? Oh, and by the way lady....your kid is tearing up the store. Just remember, you break it you buy it! Oy Vey!

So he gets off the phone and tells me that the dress she is going to wear is turquoise and black. I ask him a series of questions about what it looks like and with little or no answer to these questions I finally ask, "Can she maybe text you a picture of it?" You know what he says? "Well, she's getting her nails done right now so..." Okay. Where is this bitch of a wife you have, and when can I slap her? So with what little info he gives me, I show him a necklace and earrings. His face lights up, and I think to myself, "Don't get too happy buddy....look where that landed you last time!" Last thing I wanted is for this sweet, poor man to be sitting in our parking lot when I get to work tomorrow morning with his head hung low and greeting me with, "Back again". He takes a picture of the jewelry and text it to her. And guess what...........you're never gonna believe this.........she doesn't like it. All together now, "Noooooo". Now I'm thinking this hen is about as crazy as a cat trying to cover it's crap on a marble floor.

In the end, he ended up just returning the dress and earrings. He walked out the door with his sneezing-snot head-hell on wheels of a son and looking defeated. So ladies, let's get something straight. If your husband does anything remotely close to what this jewel of a man did and you act like his old lady, I will come to your house put a stock pot that you've probably never cooked with over your head and bang it with a hammer until you ears fall off and you won't have to worry about what earrings you're gonna wear.....yeah....yeah....and then I'm going to give you the number to my pediatrician so you can get your kid some Adderall and a Z-Pack.

Until next time...
You're only as strong as the hold of your hairspray, the coffee you drink, and the friends you keep.

Shark Week: A overrated definition of "Duh"

I've never wanted to go swimming out in the ocean. Part of the reason may be that the only part of the ocean I've been to is the Gulf of Mexico and we all know how crystal clear and pristine the waters of Port Aransas are....NOT! I never have seen Jaws but I'm pretty sure my fear of the surf comes from my worry wart mother. My mom is terrified, my sister is terrified, and I am terrified of the ocean. We all have to consume almost a case of beer alone just to get the courage to go in ankle deep water to sit down and pee. When my husband and I were dating, we went down to the Texas coast with his family and the water was super clear. Woody has no fear of the ocean so feeling adventurous, in love, and a little buzzed, I decided to go alllllll the way out to the last sandbar with my hunky beau. We could see our feet even as we were shoulder deep (well, Woody was ear deep) in the water which was good, but also bad. I could see fish that were about 10-12 inches long swimming around. So. If there are fish that big swimming around, obviously there is something much bigger that can eat that fish. I looked at Woody and told him, "Sorry dude. Your on your own." and started swimming back to shore. (In our wedding that happened a year and a half after this even, I made sure my vows did not include, "in safe, or shark infested waters" just for this particular reason) And as I am swimming and praying to sweet Jesus that I make it back to shore with my limbs, I hear Woody shout, "Kicking just attracts the sharks!" Do you know how hard it is to swim for your life, pray, cry, AND curse you boyfriend at the same time?

So Discovery Channel has week long special that many have heard of, and it's called "Shark Week". This is also known as, "No Shit Sherlock". These brave (*cough* stupid) souls have the desire to go out and "study" sharks. Now listen. I don't know about you, but I think the only thing that I want to know is how to keep them the hell away from me. In my opinion, if the government can build a wall along the Texas/Mexico border, I'm pretty sure we can construct some type of "swim fence" to keep beach goers safe. Just sayin'. But I'm not so interested in the shows that see what it's like from the inside of a sharks mouth by swimming with sharks using a "bite cam". Or what about the guy that goes swimming with great white sharks and can "hypnotize" them by touching their nose. Why do you need to do something like that? How does that help me? Now, the show on how they make shark repellent  out of dead rotting sharks is what grabs my attention. So enough with the unnecessary crap!  All these "scientists" just need to stop with the BS research on why Great White Sharks fly out of water while attacking a seal. You know why? Cause those little boogers are quick and agile, that's why. They've got to be quick! End of story. Now, how 'bout y'all put some time and effort toward manufacturing a personal shark repellent device. Here's what I'm thinking....ready? Ok. We start with an ankle monitor looking jobby. Then we make cartridges out rotten shark....I'm imagining something like those little gel packs that you use in your Glade Plug-ins. The only problem with this is we'll have to make the ankle bracelets cute or with customizable straps or something...you know, to make these look different from "government issued" anklets. I would hate for some sweet little college girl to think she's safe with some dude wearing a shark repelling anklet and he's really on probation.  Yeah, no bueno. I mean, if I could make this happen I would be a gazillionaire! So we all need to write letters to these "researchers" and ask them to A) start on the design and construction of a "Swim Fence" that can go along America's coastline, and B) Hop on the "shark repelling" bandwagon.  Until then, I will continue to go to the beach. As long as I have a dead, rotting shark tied around some part of my body.

Until next time,
You're only as strong as the hold of your hairspray, the coffee you drink, and the friends you keep.