I've never wanted to go swimming out in the ocean. Part of the reason may be that the only part of the ocean I've been to is the Gulf of Mexico and we all know how crystal clear and pristine the waters of Port Aransas are....NOT! I never have seen Jaws but I'm pretty sure my fear of the surf comes from my worry wart mother. My mom is terrified, my sister is terrified, and I am terrified of the ocean. We all have to consume almost a case of beer alone just to get the courage to go in ankle deep water to sit down and pee. When my husband and I were dating, we went down to the Texas coast with his family and the water was super clear. Woody has no fear of the ocean so feeling adventurous, in love, and a little buzzed, I decided to go alllllll the way out to the last sandbar with my hunky beau. We could see our feet even as we were shoulder deep (well, Woody was ear deep) in the water which was good, but also bad. I could see fish that were about 10-12 inches long swimming around. So. If there are fish that big swimming around, obviously there is something much bigger that can eat that fish. I looked at Woody and told him, "Sorry dude. Your on your own." and started swimming back to shore. (In our wedding that happened a year and a half after this even, I made sure my vows did not include, "in safe, or shark infested waters" just for this particular reason) And as I am swimming and praying to sweet Jesus that I make it back to shore with my limbs, I hear Woody shout, "Kicking just attracts the sharks!" Do you know how hard it is to swim for your life, pray, cry, AND curse you boyfriend at the same time?
So Discovery Channel has week long special that many have heard of, and it's called "Shark Week". This is also known as, "No Shit Sherlock". These brave (*cough* stupid) souls have the desire to go out and "study" sharks. Now listen. I don't know about you, but I think the only thing that I want to know is how to keep them the hell away from me. In my opinion, if the government can build a wall along the Texas/Mexico border, I'm pretty sure we can construct some type of "swim fence" to keep beach goers safe. Just sayin'. But I'm not so interested in the shows that see what it's like from the inside of a sharks mouth by swimming with sharks using a "bite cam". Or what about the guy that goes swimming with great white sharks and can "hypnotize" them by touching their nose. Why do you need to do something like that? How does that help me? Now, the show on how they make shark repellent out of dead rotting sharks is what grabs my attention. So enough with the unnecessary crap! All these "scientists" just need to stop with the BS research on why Great White Sharks fly out of water while attacking a seal. You know why? Cause those little boogers are quick and agile, that's why. They've got to be quick! End of story. Now, how 'bout y'all put some time and effort toward manufacturing a personal shark repellent device. Here's what I'm thinking....ready? Ok. We start with an ankle monitor looking jobby. Then we make cartridges out rotten shark....I'm imagining something like those little gel packs that you use in your Glade Plug-ins. The only problem with this is we'll have to make the ankle bracelets cute or with customizable straps or something...you know, to make these look different from "government issued" anklets. I would hate for some sweet little college girl to think she's safe with some dude wearing a shark repelling anklet and he's really on probation. Yeah, no bueno. I mean, if I could make this happen I would be a gazillionaire! So we all need to write letters to these "researchers" and ask them to A) start on the design and construction of a "Swim Fence" that can go along America's coastline, and B) Hop on the "shark repelling" bandwagon. Until then, I will continue to go to the beach. As long as I have a dead, rotting shark tied around some part of my body.
Until next time,
You're only as strong as the hold of your hairspray, the coffee you drink, and the friends you keep.
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