Tower 'o Crowns

Anyone who has seen the TV show “Toddlers & Tiaras” knows what level of dysfunction it takes to participate in a pageant of that sort.  They wear wigs so it doesn’t look like their hair, “flippers” so it doesn’t look like their teeth, makeup so it doesn’t look like their face…so in all reality, they are judged on what they AREN’T.  I was never the pageant type. My aunt tried talking my mom into putting me in the Little Miss Helotes pageant when I was a little girl and I just wasn’t into it. But even if I did participate, it didn’t involve the antics…  I never had an interest in clothes, shoes, makeup, or hair…I was a tomboy.  All I wanted to do was play sports, raise animals in 4-H, and get dirty.  But, I am well aware of the work that it takes to be in a pageant such as Miss Helotes.  The girls are themselves, they are interviewed…it’s not just who is the prettiest. And if you are on the court, you make appearances, you participate in parades, you are involved in the community. (There is one girl that I have known since she was little and she was on the Miss Helotes Court. Every time I have seen her, she has a smile that lights up the room, is so sweet & respectful…the only way Peyton would be allowed to run for Miss Helotes, is if she acted as graceful and sweet as Dani.)  So, it takes a lot of time out of your personal life. It is definitely a commitment! I’m sure that there are politics involved but politics are involved in EVERYTHING…sports, FFA, 4-H, pageants…don’t deny it!

One of my daughter’s teachers at school had asked me if I was going to put Peyton in the “Little Miss Cornsilk Pageant” during Cornyval. For those of you who don’t know what Cornyval is, it is Helotes’ annual festival that includes a carnival, rodeo, parade, and booths that local organizations have in attempts to raise money.  I told Ms. S that I didn’t know about it but I am totally NOT a pageant mom.  As days went on, I kept thinking about it.  My kid is cute, she has a great personality, and she knows what makes you pretty….a sweet heart.  A couple of weeks went by and I ran into Ms. Judy…she runs the Miss Helotes Pageant. I asked her what was up with this Cornsilk pageant  and she gave me a flyer and told me that I should put Peyton in it because every little girl get a sash, crown, and a trophy. I thought that Peyton would like that….especially if she got a trophy! The first thing she asked me when I signed her up for a second season of soccer was, “When do I get my gold medal?!?”  So, a trophy was right down her alley.  The flyer also stated that they were to wear a cute summer outfit… Something that you could pull out of your closet.  But how that translated in my mind was, “I need to go shopping!” This isn’t sounding too bad after all!  I went and bought her a sweet little white sundress at Old Navy and some new darling little turquoise sandals at Nordstrom Rack…the entire get up costs me about $30.  So on Sunday, we showed up to register Peyton. I realized that this wasn’t put on by Miss Helotes like I thought it would be. It was put on by a pageant cult…I mean, a pageant circuit.  I look on the stage and there are crowns of different sizes, sashes of different colors, and trophies of different sizes. This was my first clue….

So after I sign Peyton up, I am watching as Mom’s start hauling their daughters, no….make that show ponies….they are hauling their show ponies in.  Funny thing is, all the local girls were dressed in cute summer outfits with the normal southern “satellite bow” adorned to their pretty little heads…mine included! All looking like sweet little southern ladies, but with a little sass….after all, that’s how we roll! Then there were the out of towners…the non-locals. As they strolled in with their show ponies in tow, I was thinking “Y’all aren’t from these parts, are ya pilgrim…” I’m not kidding when I say that there was a girl that was probably 10 years old wearing 4 inch heels….oh yes…and she could strut in those bad boys better than I ever could! When I heard other mom’s talking trash about these girls, first I moved. I didn’t need to hear them disrespecting a child and neither did Peyton…was I in awe of how these girls looked? Duh….but it is not their fault….I blame their mother.  I couldn’t help but laugh ‘til I almost peed my pants when a mother of one of the non-locals asked where they could change and they told her, “You can change her in the handicapped port-o-potty…” YES!!!!! Oh my goodness! This is just too damn good!!!!!

So one of the women running this show says that the girls can go on the stage and practice.  Practice what? Oh Lord….here’s my second clue.  So as if they just opened the gates to Disney World, the non-locals make their way to the stage in a colorful, sparkled, fluffy herd.  I walk up to Miss Judy and ask her what they mean by “practice”…were we supposed to have a routine prepared?  If so, I’m going to play some Skunkweed so they can all see Peyton’s mad break dancing skills! Ms. Judy tells me that the stage is marked off and they show them where to stand and that sort of thing…and that is also gives them something to do while they are waiting. So I go tell Peyton to go up there and I can’t help but laugh…she had mud all over her! Here she is with these perfectly coifed show ponies and my kid is sweaty and muddy.  That’s my girl!  But no worries, I knew that this would probably happen so I brought her sun dress along with us to change her into before the pageant.  Once they announced that the show was about to begin, I brought Peyton over to the bleachers and stripped her down and changed her. No big deal….she’s 3….if the woman with the see-through linen shorts gave me one more dirty look as I changed her, I was going to yell, “Nice thong!” Get over it! It was now time to join the rest of the show ponies…as we were all waiting for our child’s number to be called, a little girl that was looking at Peyton’s shoes and went to grab the flower that was on her sandal.  Her mom picked her up and said, “At the last pageant we were at, she messed up a little girl’s shoe…” Uh, excuse me…did you say “last pageant”….oh Lord have mercy! She then tells me that they are from Corpus Christi….HUH? People are driving HOURS for this? And there isn’t even any money involved…and gas is almost $4 a gallon….I continued to be amazed.  So Peyton walks up there and I watch her from the side of the stage…Ms. Judy was sweet enough to tell her to smile and to wave…poor thing was just standing up there wondering what the hell was going on. But it was hilarious!

Now, I forgot to mention that when we registered, we had to fill out paperwork that had a “fill in the blank style” format so the MC could talk about them.  This is what Peyton’s ended up being…. “This is Peyton. She is 3 years old and her hometown is San Antonio.  She is wearing a cool sundress perfect for the Texas heat. She has blonde hair and blue eyes.  Her favorite thing to do at home is jumping on her trampoline.  She is in preschool and her favorite part of school is chapel.  Her favorite fruit is apples and her favorite food is chicken nuggets. Her favorite thing to watch on TV is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When she grows up she wants to be a firefighter like her Daddy.”  Okay…so simple enough right?  All of her answers were what SHE gave me…here is an example of the type of things I heard as they announced the non-locals. “This is Sarah.  She is 4 years old and her hometown is Lake Macadamia. She is wearing a coral, yellow, and pink ensemble that compliments her tropical skin tone, along with gold sandals, beautiful diamond earrings, and stylish designer sunglasses. She has shiny chestnut brown hair with flecks of natural highlights and Caribbean blue eyes. Her favorite thing to do at home is help her mommy clean house and take her elderly neighbors brownies. She is in preschool and her favorite subject is lunch…yum yum! Her favorite fruit is strawberries and her favorite food is cupcakes that are as sweet as her!   Her favorite shows to watch on TV are Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras. When she grows up she wants to be a philanthropist!”  Uh, really?  I’m very doubtful that your 4 year old knows what a philanthropist is seeing that her favorite subject in school is lunch…

So the “crowning ceremony” finally happens…thank God because I am sweating like whore in church and I fear the possible mudslide that might occur if the older contestants’ makeup starts to melt off their face. So first they do the community award, followed by the photogenic award, the portfolio award, the beauty awards, the princess award, and lastly, the PRINCESS SUPREME AWARD….I knew it! This is Toddlers & Tiaras! Where are the cameras?!?  Supreme? I have only heard that terminology a few times, and all have been while watching Toddlers & Tiaras! I was talking to some old friends while this is all going on… I hear Peyton yelling at the MC, “I’m getting sweaty over here! Hey! Excuse me! I’m sweaty!”  I love this girl! I continue to watch, and when the crowning for her division is over,  Peyton has 2 crowns, 2 sashes, a trophy, a medal, and a paper that says, “Best Hair”….OMG! She is going to fall over! Some of these girls have MORE than 2 crowns….are they going to give a “Tower ‘o Crowns” award? What does all this mean?  I finally understand that the “supreme” for this category comes back at the end to choose the Grand Supreme…I only understood this when one of my friends put it in livestock terms. It’s like the Champion Run…for those that aren’t livestock show people, that’s when the champions from each class from that particular animal (i.e. pigs, goats, steer, lambs…and so on)come back at the end to choose the Grand Champion for that animal… Well, Peyton was not “champion” of her “class” so she didn’t have to come back for the “champion run” but I was so happy to see that a darling little local girl was chosen as the “champion” of their “class”. There is hope for us locals yet!  Since we weren’t obligated to stay you know what we did?  She and I went and rode the Ferris Wheel (as I had promised her) to end our Cornyval season. And as we enjoyed the warm breeze, she looked up at me and said, “Today was a good day, Mom!”  I asked her if she had fun and she said that she did.  Then I asked her the question that I always ask….”Peyton, what makes you a pretty girl?”  And she replied, “My sweet heart.”  That’s all she needs to know. No little girl should be taught to believe that a crown makes her more beautiful or makes her more confident. A parent who teaches them to be a respectful, giving, kind, supportive, and genuine person is teaching them what beauty REALLY is…But, I can confidently say that I will never put my kid in one of these things ever again....when she gets to the age that she can decide if she is ready to make the commitment it takes to be on a pageant court, we'll cross that road when we get there. I just want my girl growing up seeing the beauty in people for what it REALLY is! But I do have to say that I was pretty damn happy that she got "Best Hair" award!  Those curly locks get them every time!