Can't Win for Losing, Dude

As some of you may know, I work part time at a little boutique in my home town. A good friend of mine and her family own it and I couldn't be more blessed to work for them. We are very fortunate that the majority of our customers are fabulous, sweet, and kind. Today I had a young, well dressed gentleman come into the store looking for a dress for his wife. He was like most men....clueless.

He said that he was taking his wife out tomorrow night and she had mentioned to him that she wanted to wear a new dress. So when he got off of work, he decided to stop by the store to try and find something for her. I asked him what size she wore and he told me that she wears a medium...(*cough* skinny bitch *cough*) I showed him some of our most popular dresses and told him what she could wear them with when it came to shoes and accessories. He was very confused. After about 30 minutes of walking around the store and pulling dresses, he decided on a darling dress...perfect for what they were going to do the next evening. He asked me if I could help him pick out "something that goes with it". So this was seeming like it was going to work out great. Once we were finished he was grinning...probably just imagining that fancy dress hitting the floor when he brings his tipsy wife home from their night out. I mean, the least she can do after all this is give the guy a little......credit. I assured him that if it didn't fit right, or if it wasn't to her liking that she could exchange it for something else. I also told him how sweet he is to do this for her...you know what he told me? "She deserves more than I could ever give her." Awwww...they must be newly weds.

No more than 30 minutes after he left the store, the phone rings. It's him. He tells me that it was a little too small for her and that SHE wanted HIM to bring it up to the store and exchange it for something else. What? Okay.....let stop here for a moment. If my husband took the time to come into a WOMEN'S BOUTIQUE BY HIMSELF, that alone would of earned him a..........reward. She sends him back to the store to look for something else? And not only that....she sends him back with their 3 year old snot nosed son. Now, being the proper southern lady that I am, I would of thanked my sweet husband for thinking of me and tell him that the dress wasn't really my taste, or if it didn't fit that I would go and exchange it in the morning. (My husband and I have an agreement, if we spent good money on something for each other and we don't like it, we will be honest with each other and get something that we like.) When he arrived with the sneezy runny nosed child to shop AGAIN, I realized that this man has to be a saint. So he sees another dress and text her a picture of it. She calls him and I can hear her over the phone.... "Uh, yeah...no. What are you thinking? That is horrible!" She then tells him that she is going to wear a dress she already has, and.......wait for it......tells him to pick out jewelry to wear with it. Are you kidding me? The dude bought you a dress, drove back to the store to return it within 45 minutes of purchasing it, and now you are telling him to pick out jewelry? Oh, and by the way lady....your kid is tearing up the store. Just remember, you break it you buy it! Oy Vey!

So he gets off the phone and tells me that the dress she is going to wear is turquoise and black. I ask him a series of questions about what it looks like and with little or no answer to these questions I finally ask, "Can she maybe text you a picture of it?" You know what he says? "Well, she's getting her nails done right now so..." Okay. Where is this bitch of a wife you have, and when can I slap her? So with what little info he gives me, I show him a necklace and earrings. His face lights up, and I think to myself, "Don't get too happy buddy....look where that landed you last time!" Last thing I wanted is for this sweet, poor man to be sitting in our parking lot when I get to work tomorrow morning with his head hung low and greeting me with, "Back again". He takes a picture of the jewelry and text it to her. And guess what...........you're never gonna believe this.........she doesn't like it. All together now, "Noooooo". Now I'm thinking this hen is about as crazy as a cat trying to cover it's crap on a marble floor.

In the end, he ended up just returning the dress and earrings. He walked out the door with his sneezing-snot head-hell on wheels of a son and looking defeated. So ladies, let's get something straight. If your husband does anything remotely close to what this jewel of a man did and you act like his old lady, I will come to your house put a stock pot that you've probably never cooked with over your head and bang it with a hammer until you ears fall off and you won't have to worry about what earrings you're gonna wear.....yeah....yeah....and then I'm going to give you the number to my pediatrician so you can get your kid some Adderall and a Z-Pack.

Until next time...
You're only as strong as the hold of your hairspray, the coffee you drink, and the friends you keep.